Ann Coulter really hates soccer

"Textured Soy Protein" (texturedsoyprotein)
06/27/2014 at 16:42 • Filed to: None

Ann Coulter has created the world's most impressive piece of performance art. Because no self-respecting, freedom-loving, red-blooded, Obummer-hating AMURRICAN should ever like soccer. According to Ann Coulter. I don't particularly care about soccer, but this much hate of soccer is hilariously awesome.

Here's the !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! (warning—there's an autoplaying video embedded in this page), but some highlights:

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Individual achievement is not a big factor in soccer. In a real sport, players fumble passes, throw bricks and drop fly balls — all in front of a crowd. When baseball players strike out, they're standing alone at the plate. But there's also individual glory in home runs, touchdowns and slam-dunks.

In soccer, the blame is dispersed and almost no one scores anyway. There are no heroes, no losers, no accountability, and no child's fragile self-esteem is bruised. There's a reason perpetually alarmed women are called "soccer moms," not "football moms."

Liberal moms like soccer because it's a sport in which athletic talent finds so little expression that girls can play with boys. No serious sport is co-ed, even at the kindergarten level.

The prospect of either personal humiliation or major injury is required to count as a sport. Most sports are sublimated warfare. ... Baseball and basketball present a constant threat of personal disgrace. In hockey, there are three or four fights a game — and it's not a stroll on beach to be on ice with a puck flying around at 100 miles per hour. After a football game, ambulances carry off the wounded. After a soccer game, every player gets a ribbon and a juice box.

You can't use your hands in soccer. (Thus eliminating the danger of having to catch a fly ball.) What sets man apart from the lesser beasts, besides a soul, is that we have opposable thumbs. Our hands can hold things. Here's a great idea: Let's create a game where you're not allowed to use them!

I resent the force-fed aspect of soccer. The same people trying to push soccer on Americans are the ones demanding that we love HBO's "Girls," light-rail, Beyonce and Hillary Clinton. The number of New York Times articles claiming soccer is "catching on" is exceeded only by the ones pretending women's basketball is fascinating.

It's foreign. In fact, that's the precise reason the Times is constantly hectoring Americans to love soccer. One group of sports fans with whom soccer is not "catching on" at all, is African-Americans. They remain distinctly unimpressed by the fact that the French like it.

Soccer is like the metric system, which liberals also adore because it's European. Naturally, the metric system emerged from the French Revolution, during the brief intervals when they weren't committing mass murder by guillotine.

If more "Americans" are watching soccer today, it's only because of the demographic switch effected by Teddy Kennedy's 1965 immigration law. I promise you: No American whose great-grandfather was born here is watching soccer. One can only hope that, in addition to learning English, these new Americans will drop their soccer fetish with time.

DISCUSSION (62)

Audi-os, Amigos! > Textured Soy Protein
06/27/2014 at 16:44

Ann Coulter's an unforgivably vitriolic bitch who deserves not one-tenth of the pageviews she gets from people sharing her writing, even on a "wow look what this crazy lady wrote" basis.

Textured Soy Protein > Audi-os, Amigos!
06/27/2014 at 16:47

I mean, yeah, I hate her too. But come on, how can you not laugh at her claiming that black people know better than to like soccer, because black people don't like things that French people like?

RamblinRover Luxury-Yacht > Textured Soy Protein
06/27/2014 at 16:47

I'm on the right, and don't agree with her one iota on the *nature* of soccer, other than that there is an element on the left that fetishizes soccer as a symbol of "the rest of the world" that we should "belong more to"/"be more like".

Other than that, let us not forget she dated Bill Maher for a while, and mischaracterizes those on *the right* with whom she disagrees as well. Birds of a feather, professional trolldom, etc.

Soloburrito > Textured Soy Protein
06/27/2014 at 16:47

Can we all agree to stop talking about her? She's getting exactly what she wants.

For Sweden > Textured Soy Protein
06/27/2014 at 16:48

In reality, liberal moms like soccer because most American soccer leagues are pay-to-play. It keeps their kids from making friends with kids from poor families.

Textured Soy Protein > RamblinRover Luxury-Yacht
06/27/2014 at 16:48

This is just exquisite trolling on her part. I appreciate the effort.

MIATAAAA > Textured Soy Protein
06/27/2014 at 16:49

I really like that Ann Coulter could be The Onion's best contributor, and you wouldn't even have to tell her to write satire! Fantastic.

RamblinRover Luxury-Yacht > Textured Soy Protein
06/27/2014 at 16:49

I think her point is that faddish NYT-reading types are likely to be affected by what the French like, as an affectation, and that other people including AfAm are less likely to give a shit either way.

Textured Soy Protein > For Sweden
06/27/2014 at 16:49

Because all liberals are rich and want to avoid poor people?

philipilihp > Textured Soy Protein
06/27/2014 at 16:50

Steven Colbert is ghost writing for Anne Coulter again...

Textured Soy Protein > RamblinRover Luxury-Yacht
06/27/2014 at 16:51

I just like her layering of stereotypes on top of each other. It takes talent.

For Sweden > Textured Soy Protein
06/27/2014 at 16:51

Rich white liberals who put their kids in soccer/lacrosse/rowing/tennis/swimming/etc, yes.

dinobot666 > Textured Soy Protein
06/27/2014 at 16:52

She's such a clickbait troll genius.

philipilihp > Textured Soy Protein
06/27/2014 at 16:53

My absolute favorite paragraph:

Liberals get angry and tell us that the metric system is more "rational" than the measurements everyone understands. This is ridiculous. An inch is the width of a man's thumb, a foot the length of his foot, a yard the length of his belt. That's easy to visualize. How do you visualize 147.2 centimeters?

Because every man's belt is the same length, and every man's foot is the same length, and every man's thumb is equally wide.

Textured Soy Protein > For Sweden
06/27/2014 at 16:54

Interesting. I was raised by rich white liberals, and played in a soccer league, which probably cost money, and my mom even bought me some shin guards to play in the soccer league. Shin guards are obviously so expensive that no poor person could ever afford them. But my rich white liberal parents used their rich white liberal powers for good and also brought me to volunteer in places like food banks and homeless shelters, where we had to help poor people . Heaven forbid they showed up in my soccer league though.

For Sweden > Textured Soy Protein
06/27/2014 at 16:55

Good on them, but it sounds a lot like gentrification/ghetto tourism.

Textured Soy Protein > philipilihp
06/27/2014 at 16:56

Because obviously soccer and the metric system are OBUMMER's fault and if soccer and the metric system didn't exist, there would be jobs for everyone because soccer and the metric system are preventing the job creators from creating jobs. You want jobs don't you?

ttyymmnn > Textured Soy Protein
06/27/2014 at 16:56

I fucked Ann Coulter in the ass, hard.

Enjoy.

Yowen - not necessarily not spaghetti and meatballs > Textured Soy Protein
06/27/2014 at 16:59

TLDR,AC, Too Long Didn't Read, Ann Coulter.

Seriously, moral decay? Is that how desperate you are for attention.

I shall give her a resounding FUCK YOU, all without reading what the hell she has to say about soccer causing moral decay. Because that's preposterous. Reading that would cause me tooth decay on account of how much I'd be grinding my teeth while reading that.

Jayhawk Jake > Textured Soy Protein
06/27/2014 at 16:59

That was the single most retarded piece of writing I've ever read. I actually feel dumber having read the whole article.

"• Liberal moms like soccer because it's a sport in which athletic talent finds so little expression that girls can play with boys. No serious sport is co-ed, even at the kindergarten level."

What the actual fuck is this about? Professional soccer isn't a coed sport, and I sure as hell don't remember playing with coed teams as a kid. Even then, what the fuck. WHAT THE FUCK. HOW DOES BENG COED HAVE SHIT TO DO WITH ATHLETIC ABILITY?!

Ann Coulter should be forced to have her mouth sewn shut and hands cut off so she can't spew her incessant ignorance as she pleases

yamahog > For Sweden
06/27/2014 at 17:00

Whereas in my middle class conservative upbringing, my dad just took us to throw bootstraps at the poor and then deride them for taking handouts.

Crocket Bernet > Textured Soy Protein
06/27/2014 at 17:02

Who is Ann Coulter?

Textured Soy Protein > For Sweden
06/27/2014 at 17:02

It wasn't gentrification because we lived in an area that went straight from forest & farm land to suburbia. Nothing to gentrify but trees and cows.

Svend > Textured Soy Protein
06/27/2014 at 17:03

Wow. I'm actually pleased that she actually took her head out of her arse long enough to know there was anything happening in the world. Seriously " blame is dispersed and almost no one scores anyway . There are no heroes , no losers , no accountability". Dear god. " Our hands can hold things . Here's a great idea: Let's create a game where you're not allowed to use them !", because it's called FOOTBALL not handball or bodyball. "One group of sports fans with whom soccer is not "catching on " at all, is African-Americans. They remain distinctly unimpressed by the fact that the French like it . Are you telling me the African-American people give a crap whether the French like football or not. I mean it goes down bloody well with African-Africans in Africa not to mention the former colonial French-Africans.

She's basically stirring people up to give her life credence, bloody oxygen-thief.

Textured Soy Protein > Yowen - not necessarily not spaghetti and meatballs
06/27/2014 at 17:03

This pretty much sums up the whole thing:

For Sweden > yamahog
06/27/2014 at 17:04

The point is, a lot of White American liberals think they are welcome in the communities where they volunteer, especially if those communities are in Africa. The people in those communities are more than capable of helping themselves, if they only had the resources. They don't need White Saviors.

Saracen > Crocket Bernet
06/27/2014 at 17:04

A cunt.

Crocket Bernet > Saracen
06/27/2014 at 17:06

LOL, awesome.

yamahog > For Sweden
06/27/2014 at 17:08

That's hardly a liberal-only phenomena.

jariten1781 > Textured Soy Protein
06/27/2014 at 17:10

She's correct on one thing...soccer is boring.

eforeal > philipilihp
06/27/2014 at 17:12

Epic - What a fucking muppet this woman is. Im ashamed that she is even mildly famous.

For Sweden > yamahog
06/27/2014 at 17:14

The topic of conversation was liberal soccer moms.

Spoon II > Textured Soy Protein
06/27/2014 at 17:15

It's sad that this person is famous.

desertdog5051 > Textured Soy Protein
06/27/2014 at 17:18

Hmmm. Wonder what she drives.

Klaus Schmoll > Textured Soy Protein
06/27/2014 at 17:18

Kinja'd!!!

And next week from Ann Coulter: "How Donald Duck secretely turned our kids into Nazi Zombies"

But seriously! This is a classic case of "Stop liking what I hate!" She obviously has zero understanding of the sport as, for example, there clearly is a lot of personal blame involved. We could dig deeper, but this pile of nonsense makes fact-checking all too easy. Pretty much all of her claims are blown out of her... with no context to reality whatsoever.

It's hilarious though! If have to see if Steven Colbert or Jon Stewart did find this worthy of a bit of their air time.

A Big German newspaper mentioned this flustercuck a few days ago but I was too busy at the time to actually check it out. Thanks for mentioning it again! It made me chuckle.

R Saldana [|Oo|======|oO|] - BTC/ETH/LTC Prophet > Textured Soy Protein
06/27/2014 at 17:39

Wow, that bitch is a troll.

R Saldana [|Oo|======|oO|] - BTC/ETH/LTC Prophet > Textured Soy Protein
06/27/2014 at 17:40

I bet if they had, your mom would have found a new team for you to be on, citing some squabble with another child's mom as the reason.

yamahog > For Sweden
06/27/2014 at 17:44

Ok. And they are also hardly the only rich parents in the country to actively shelter precious Junior from "bad neighborhoods" and "the wrong crowd."

For Sweden > yamahog
06/27/2014 at 17:47

We could get into a #NotAllRichWhiteLiberals contest, but I really don't see the point.

yamahog > For Sweden
06/27/2014 at 17:49

Similarly, I see no point in the original comment.

Textured Soy Protein > R Saldana [|Oo|======|oO|] - BTC/ETH/LTC Prophet
06/27/2014 at 17:50

True story: I was on my high school tennis team, and during the winter I and several of my teammates played in an indoor team tennis rec league. Because we were rich white (and Asian) liberals, who play tennis in bubbles during the winter, of course.

During one of our matches, my mom was sitting next to the mom of some kid on the team we were playing, when that other kid's mom started bragging about how her kid is an honor student, is in whatever extracurricular activities, blah blah blah. Except my school was the magnet school for our county with the IB program , so then my mom says "well my son there, and that kid there, and that kid there, are all in the IB program," and they traded boasts about their kids' achievements for the rest of the match.

Which I know, because when the match was done, my mom recited the entire conversation for me, word for word.

R Saldana [|Oo|======|oO|] - BTC/ETH/LTC Prophet > Textured Soy Protein
06/27/2014 at 17:54

Truly women are terrible creatures, beautiful and very important, but their souls are truly full of the nastiest most evil shit on this earth.

UKGTR335 > Textured Soy Protein
06/27/2014 at 18:08

Fellow IB Alum. High five.

UKGTR335 > Textured Soy Protein
06/27/2014 at 18:10

There's really only one response to this . . .

feather-throttle-not-hair > RamblinRover Luxury-Yacht
06/27/2014 at 18:18

almost like you and most other people in the right (or the left for that matter) are reasonable. Hooray for the vocal minority..

feather-throttle-not-hair > Textured Soy Protein
06/27/2014 at 18:21

Lol. Wtf? It's 2014 lady.

1. Get over soccer.

2. It's 2014. Your picture is from 2002.

CalzoneGolem > Textured Soy Protein
06/27/2014 at 18:33

If the French didn't hate the English so much than we Americans would probably be all into soccer.

CalzoneGolem > For Sweden
06/27/2014 at 18:35

Hockey definitely hockey.

yamahog > R Saldana [|Oo|======|oO|] - BTC/ETH/LTC Prophet
06/27/2014 at 19:32

Yup, every single one of us. Definitely.

RacecaR > Textured Soy Protein
06/27/2014 at 21:51

I can't wait until this Ann Coulter guy falls out of the public light. He is definitely a hate fueling moron.

wiffleballtony > Textured Soy Protein
06/27/2014 at 23:28

That article felt like she was really reaching to make the analogies work. She could have just said soccer is for Euro commies and be done.

Aston Martin Vespertine > Textured Soy Protein
06/28/2014 at 03:57

According to liberal, beatnik, morally bankrupt philosopher Ernest Hemingway, there are only two real sports: motor racing and bull fighting because it's only there where athletes risk their life and limb for glory. Everything else is just a game. Suck on that, Miss Coulter.

Holdinghorses1 > Audi-os, Amigos!
06/28/2014 at 10:35

I detest Ann Coulter with every fibre of my being, but I've gotta admit, here screed on soccer was pretty funny.

Holdinghorses1 > Klaus Schmoll
06/28/2014 at 10:42

You obviously have no understanding of what Ann Coulter is. Her soccer article is more about Ann Coulter than it is about soccer.

She's a professional troll -a hater. It's what she does for a living. And she's brilliant at it. There's a 50/50 chance that she actually likes soccer, but she has an image to keep up and books to sell.

Klaus Schmoll > Holdinghorses1
06/28/2014 at 12:04

Yep, you are right on both accounts. I didn't know who or what she was, until this article was mentioned in a German newspaper. From what I saw so far, she really is a professional troll.

Holdinghorses1 > Klaus Schmoll
06/28/2014 at 15:31

Unfortunately, she's a brilliant woman. She's an attorney who was on the Law Review at the prestigious law review at the University of Michigan.

Klaus Schmoll > Holdinghorses1
06/28/2014 at 15:37

Most of these demagogues are clever people. That's what makes them so dangerous. There are enough stupid sheeple out there who believe every word they say.

Holdinghorses1 > Klaus Schmoll
06/28/2014 at 22:22

You're absolutely right. She's extremely clever - and there are a lot of people who worship her every word.

Stupidru > Textured Soy Protein
07/01/2014 at 10:20

I take an issue with her comment on the metric system... I also have no rebuttle because my arms aren't long enough to pick up my jaw from the floor.

- This is a red herring, something no good journalist or columnist would write about. And Ann, being a journalist is a rather liberal profession. (-1 point for Ann Coulter)

Despite being subjected to Chinese-style brainwashing in the public schools to use centimeters and Celsius, ask any American for the temperature, and he'll say something like "70 degrees." Ask how far Boston is from New York City, he'll say it's about 200 miles.

Despite the American school system's brainwashing ability to essentially ban the metric system... seriously. I went to an engineering school where nearly 75% of our curriculum was in metric, because that's what the rest of the world uses. What is a Joule? It's the amount of force needed to move 1 newton 1 meter. What's a Newton? It's the amount of force 1 kilogram exerts on the surface of the earth due to gravity. Hey Ann, here's a question for you. You're going hiking and you need to bring 10L of water. How much extra weight is that? Oh, it's 10kg. You need 2 gallons of water? Well that's 2*8.32487 pounds? Let me get my calculator...

I'm not a liberal or a conservative. I'm a pragmatic realist. The 2 professional engineering jobs I've held outside of college have actually forbidden employees from using the imperial unit system, because it slows down your work AND the guys in the shop because you have to convert between inches and feet and yards, and when you're sending units to Brazil, Russia, or wherever, they have no idea what 100 inches is, forcing you to make another drawing in metric. A foot was the length of one Egyptian king's foot, once upon a time. An inch is apparently three grains of barley , dry and round, placed end to end, lengthwise... ok then.

Now please, Ms. Coulter, stop writing preposterous things like this because you've wasted your time and in turn, my time

mike in So Cal > Audi-os, Amigos!
07/05/2014 at 03:03

any publicity is good, no? she really is a sucky human being, though.

mike in So Cal > Stupidru
07/05/2014 at 03:11

its really not too hard to visualize. 100cm to a meter, which is a bit longer than 3 ft. so thats about 4 and a half feet. liters are almost like quarts, and everyone has seen a 2 liter bottle. a 2 liter engine is a decent size for an economy car, and 10mm is the ubiquitous size fastener. and from schoolhouse rock, a millimeter is "as thick as one thin dime". shes just a dumbshit

mike in So Cal > ttyymmnn
07/05/2014 at 03:13

ive been with some conservatives. they tend to be... conservative.